You got the promotion. The title, maybe the new office, the congratulations in the hallway. And somewhere in the first few weeks, a quiet panic set in, because nobody actually told you what the job is now.
You are still doing the work that got you here, only there is more of it, and now there are people watching you do it. You are busy from the moment you log on. And you have a nagging feeling that being busy and being liked are not the same thing as leading.
Here is the part no one says out loud: the goals your company handed you are not the ones that will make or break you. There is a second, invisible set of expectations underneath them, and you are being measured against them whether anyone names them or not.
Last week on the From a Woman to a Leader podcast, I went live with Nora Bouchard, an executive coach with more than thirty years and over ten thousand hours in the coaching chair, and the author of Hidden Metrics: The Unspoken Rules Every New Leader Needs to Know. She saw her first coaching demonstration in the mid-90s, watched two master coaches work, and decided on the spot that this was what she would do with her life.
But that is not really what we talked about. We talked about the goals you set for yourself and tell no one, the expectations that shift the moment your title changes, and why “just keep doing great work” quietly stops being the job.
Below are the insights from our conversation, with my own experience and concrete steps you can take this week.
1. What are hidden metrics, and why should you set goals no one measures?
Hidden metrics are the private goals you set for the kind of leader you want to be, separate from anything your organization tracks. Nora’s whole philosophy started with a painful moment in her own career. By every visible measure she was winning. Her clients loved her, her boss loved her, she thought she was a hot shot. Then the real feedback landed.
“My clients loved me and my boss loved me, so I thought it was great, but I was actually a really toxic leader. I was satisfying everybody else’s needs at the expense of the people that worked for me.”
https://youtube.com/shorts/5z5E3dRsRZ4
Nora on realizing she was a toxic leader
What she did next is the whole idea. She did not wait for the company to fix her. She quietly set herself a private goal to change how she led, told no one, and just started. Here is what I see again and again in the women I coach: they are buried under goals other people handed them, and they have never once stopped to define what they want to be known for. When you set that goal for yourself, you finally have your own scorecard.
How to apply this: Block one hour this week, alone, with no company goals in front of you. Answer one question: what do I want to be known for as a leader? Write it down. That is your first hidden metric.
2. What should you do when you are told to be “more manlike” at work?
Say thank you for the feedback, then build your own definition of leadership instead of copying someone else’s. We got to the moment every woman in tech recognizes in her body, the feedback that you are too much, or not enough, or that you should lead more like the guy down the hall.
“Women often get feedback that they need to be more menlike at work, and that really doesn’t work for us.”
Nora’s advice was not to argue about it. It was quieter and more powerful.
“You are going to work on your own goals to be the best woman leader you can possibly be.”
I told her about a woman I was coaching that same day, whose feedback was that she was “too tough” and needed to be “more friendly.” Different words, same trap. This is where women get stuck: managers expect you to lead the way they lead, because it worked for them. But you are not them, and copying their style is one of the fastest ways to lose the thing that makes you effective.
How to apply this: Next time you get “be more like X” feedback, write down two columns. What is the real concern underneath it, and what is your own version of addressing that concern. Act on your version, not the copy.
3. Who is really your team after you get promoted?
After a promotion, your team is your peers and your boss, not the people who report to you. Nora draws a sharp line most new leaders miss.
“Those people I call a squad. That’s your squad. Your new team are your peers and your boss.”
And she connected it to something that quietly decides your long-term success.
“Leaders, as you go up in the organization, they lead through relationships, not through doing the work.”
Sound familiar? So many capable women pour everything into the people below them and treat their peer relationships as an afterthought, then wonder why they keep getting overlooked. The relationships at your level, the ones that feel like they can wait, are exactly the ones that carry your career upward.
How to apply this: Pick one peer you have been neglecting and put a 20-minute conversation on the calendar this week, with no agenda except understanding how their piece fits with yours.
4. Why is it so hard to stop being the hero?
Because saving the day gives you a chemical reward, and letting go feels like losing the thing you are good at. This is the shift I struggled with most, and the one almost every client struggles with, going from doing the work to leading the people who do it. Nora named exactly why it is so hard.
“We get these dopamine hits. We feel so good about ourselves when we save the day. But that’s a short-term fix. That’s not developing your team.”
Nora’s “change him back” story about a leader who pulled back
She told a story I keep laughing about. She coached a leader who was too involved in everything, answering every question, never letting his team think. He took the feedback, pulled back, stopped attending some meetings. Six weeks later his team begged her to “change him back.” They wanted their answer machine returned. And Nora said no, because what felt like abandonment was the team finally being given room to grow. Every time you swoop in and fix it, it feels great, and you steal someone else’s chance to become capable.
How to apply this: Choose one problem this week that you would normally solve yourself, and hand it to someone on your team along with the authority to decide. Sit on your hands.
5. What does it actually mean to be strategic?
Being strategic means giving yourself permission to stop doing and spend real time thinking about where things are headed. “Be more strategic” is the most useless feedback in the world, because nobody tells you what it means. Nora’s definition is the clearest I have heard.
“That is being strategic. It’s not about what needs to be done today.”
Nora defining what strategic really means
She told a story about an engineer sitting with his feet up on his desk, just thinking, when his boss walked past and said “our stock price is going to go up.” That boss understood that a leader thinking is a leader working. Most of us do not have that boss, so we have to give ourselves the permission nobody else will. You cannot be strategic while you are buried in today, and you will never be pulled out of today by accident.
She also made a point I want every leader to hear about the cost of leading through fear.
“When people are afraid, they cannot be inspired. They cannot create. Fear does not create.”
How to apply this: Put fifteen minutes on your calendar three times this week labeled “thinking time.” Spend it on what your team and your peers will need next month, not today. Defend it like any other meeting.
6. What should you do first when leadership feels overwhelming?
Take care of yourself before you take care of everyone else, because you cannot lead from an empty tank. When I asked Nora what she would tell a woman who just got promoted and feels completely overwhelmed, her answer surprised me with how human it was.
“Just go outside, touch grass. Even 20 minutes of being outside can reset your nervous system.”
Then, she said, come back in, make a cup of tea, and think about what you want your leadership to be known for, before you think about your boss’s needs, your reports’ needs, or the market’s needs.
“You need to be first.”
I felt that one. So many of the women I coach have put themselves dead last on their own list for so long that coming first sounds almost irresponsible. It is not. It is the whole job.
How to apply this: Before the next overwhelming week starts, take a real 20-minute walk outside with no phone. Then write the one thing you want to protect about how you lead, and let that guide your calendar.
About Nora Bouchard
Nora Bouchard is an executive coach with more than thirty years and over ten thousand hours of coaching experience, working with leaders across Australia, Europe, Asia, Canada, and the United States. She is the author of Hidden Metrics: The Unspoken Rules Every New Leader Needs to Know and a previous book, Mayday! Asking for Help in Times of Need. She specializes in helping newly promoted and senior leaders lead authentically instead of hiding themselves at work.
You can find Nora at mnorabouchard.com and her book Hidden Metrics on Amazon.
What I Took From This Conversation
The thread running through everything Nora said is this: leadership is not something that happens to you when you get the title. It is a set of choices you have to make on purpose, most of which nobody will ever tell you to make. The goals you set for yourself, the relationships you invest in, the time you protect to think, the permission you give yourself to come first. None of it shows up on a performance review, and all of it decides whether you become the leader you actually want to be.
You Don’t Have to Figure This Out Alone
If you are reading this with the title already on your door, quietly making it up as you go and wondering if you are doing it right, you do not have to work it out by yourself. This is exactly the work I do with women in tech leadership every day, helping them define what they want to be known for and build a leadership style that actually fits them. Book a promotion strategy call, and we’ll figure out your next move together.
Where to Start This Week
Define one hidden metric. Sit down for an hour and answer what you want to be known for as a leader, separate from any goal your company gave you.
Give one problem away. Take something you would normally fix yourself and hand it to someone on your team with real authority.
Protect your thinking time. Put three fifteen-minute blocks on your calendar this week for nothing but thinking ahead, and treat them as non-negotiable.
Frequently Asked Questions
What are hidden metrics in leadership? Hidden metrics are the private goals you set for the kind of leader you want to be, separate from the goals your organization assigns and measures. Coined by executive coach Nora Bouchard, they capture what you want to be known for, how you want to lead, and the impact you want to have, none of which shows up on a performance review but all of which shapes your long-term success.
What are the unspoken expectations of a newly promoted leader? The biggest unspoken expectation is that everything changes even when you feel like the same person. Once you are promoted, people see you through the lens of your title, your peer group becomes your real team, you are expected to lead through relationships rather than doing the work yourself, and you are expected to think strategically rather than stay buried in daily tasks.
Why do new managers struggle to stop doing the work themselves? New managers struggle to stop doing the work because saving the day delivers a real sense of reward and letting go feels like losing their strongest skill. As Nora Bouchard explains, jumping in to fix things is a short-term fix that feels good but prevents the team from learning to solve problems on their own.
What does it mean to be a strategic leader? Being a strategic leader means giving yourself permission to stop doing and spend deliberate time thinking about where your team and organization are headed. It is about taking the high-level, long-term view rather than reacting to what needs to be done today, even when quiet thinking time looks like doing nothing to the people around you.
How should women in tech respond to feedback that they should be “more manlike”? Women in tech should acknowledge the feedback without adopting it, then work on becoming the best version of their own leadership style. Copying a manager’s style, which is often what “be more manlike” really means, tends to strip away the qualities that make a woman leader effective in the first place.
After a promotion, who is considered your team? After a promotion, your team is your peers and your boss, not the people who report to you. Nora Bouchard calls your direct reports your “squad” and your peer group your “team,” because building strong relationships at your own level is what sustains your success as you move up.
Who is Nora Bouchard? Nora Bouchard is an executive coach with more than thirty years and over ten thousand hours of coaching experience, and the author of Hidden Metrics: The Unspoken Rules Every New Leader Needs to Know. She specializes in helping newly promoted and senior leaders lead authentically instead of hiding themselves at work.
Links
📺 Watch on YouTube:
📝 Read the deeper, more personal version on Substack